What judgments might be getting in your way?

Judgments are often the stories that we tell ourselves and then we act as if our interpretation is true. Our judgments get in the way of having a larger, more expansive life. Our judgments also interfere with our relationships, especially when we give meaning to something as if it was true.

My husband and I are good examples of this and I suspect that probably every person can relate to the story I’m about to tell. I will ask John if something is the matter and he’ll respond that everything is fine. To me, “fine” means that something is wrong and I stew about it trying to figure out what “fine” really means. To John, “fine” means that everything is OK. The trouble comes when I judge “fine” to mean that there’s a problem and then behave as if that is true. I spend time in my mind struggling with “what does that mean?” and John is off living his life, happy as a clam. Accepting his response at face value without judging it to mean something else could save me a lot of conflict within my own mind.

Here’s another example of a personal judgment, (and this is going in the way back machine) when I was in high school I told myself that I was overweight. I felt much heavier than all of my friends and saw myself as fat. Last week I was clearing out the attic and found a box of old clothes that I was going to cut up for a braided wool rug (that’s a low Workability story for another time). When I took out a skirt from high school I had to shake my head in amazement. It was tiny! And, not only tiny because it was short, but also because the waist was tiny. It was a real eye opener because I remember holding myself back from several dances and other gatherings because I judged myself as fat.

One more example from my life is that on more than one occasion I have called friends and they have not returned my calls. I have frequently decided that it means I have offended them, or that they are upset with me, or who knows what trouble is brewing. And, in every case there has been a reasonable explanation – they didn’t actually get the voice mail, they have been busy, or they didn’t think the message required a response. The lesson is that I have judged them, pulled away, and have been miserable, without actually checking with them to see what’s going on.

This kind of miscommunication happens for people frequently with emails. You can’t hear the inflection of voice, so many times the reader interprets the message in a way other than the way it was intended. These are the kinds of “misses” or judgments that can lead to problems in relationships.

Judgments limit our lives and create barriers in relationships. What are your judgments of either yourself or of someone else that could open up your life if you became aware of them?