How often do you listen to someone, really listen? Many times it looks like we are listening and yet we are only half listening because we are planning what we are going to say in response. We have made up our minds not only about what they are saying, but what it means to them. Think back to a time when someone listened to you, fully and completely. How did it feel?
The flip side of that is when someone keeps interrupting you to tell their story – “me too!”. Or, jumping in and telling you what you should do even before you have said all you need to say. How did that feel? Sometimes the “me too” back and forth of a conversation is appropriate, but sometimes it serves as a barrier for you to fully express what you are trying to express.
The beauty of being really listened to is that it allows you to find your way to your own answers. It may look ugly and it may be a winding path, but it leads to your conclusion, not someone else’s. Here’s an exercise to try the next time a friend comes to you with a problem. Listen to them without interruption. Focus your intention on them completely. If they cry don’t rush to find a tissue or even if one is at hand, don’t give it to them. Trust them to find their way through the process. If they want a tissue they will get it. When we interrupt their flow even with something as simple as handing them a tissue it takes them out of their rhythm and moves them in your direction. You can also ask your friend to listen to you in this manner.
It is a very powerful process and a little bit tricky to do at first. We want to jump in and help, but that doesn’t allow them to get to the place that they need to be. I am not suggesting that you only ever listen without the back and forth of a conversation. However, you will know when it is appropriate for you to rivet your attention on the other person. This gives an enormous amount of respect to the other person, giving the message that you are in their corner and trust that they can figure it out.
Have you had the experience of being completely listened to? What was that like? What did you learn? Have you experienced riveting your attention on another person and allowing them to follow their process? What was that like for you? What was that like for them?
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