How often do you say “yes” when you really mean or want to say “no?” It becomes saying yes, with resentment and leads to a whole host of unpleasant experiences. If you recognize this one pattern it can change your life immeasurably.
When you say “yes” and you really want to say “no” you often feel resentful, angry, put upon, antagonistic, or like a martyr. You put a smile on your face and go through the motions of doing what you said you would do. Here’s the kicker – even though you act like you want to be doing this favor, on the inside you are feeling like “poor me” and people can tell that something is not quite right. It skews the entire experience.
One of the problems is that the other person doesn’t know what’s wrong. They asked a favor, you said “yes,” you are there and yet it feels uncomfortable. It’s difficult for many people to say “no” because they are afraid the other person won’t like them, they don’t want to be rude, they feel like they should say “yes,” or they simply don’t know how to say “no” without feeling the need to defend or justify their answer.
So, here’s the tip – before you say “yes,” take a moment to quickly scan your mind to see if you really want to do this. If the answer is yes, then great! If the answer is no, then all you have to do is say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.” or something like that. What you don’t have to do is come up with some elaborate reason you can’t do it or defend why you are saying “no.” You’ll know that you have arrived when you can say “no” without all of the mind chatter of trying to defend it even to yourself. It takes practice because we have been taught that it is selfish to choose in our own favor. And, I am certainly not saying that you shouldn’t help people. What I am saying is that it is time for you to notice how your actions align with how you feel on the inside.
Do you say “yes” because you feel like you should or because you’ll feel guilty if you don’t? Do you put everyone else’s needs before your own? When was the last time you said “yes” and then resented it? What happened for you internally? What happened with the other person? What did you miss in the experience by feeling resentful? When was a time that you said “yes” and really meant it? What was that like for you internally? What was your experience? I encourage you to be discerning about when you say “yes” and when you say “no.” It will be very liberating.
You taught me well Cindy! I can say that was one of the best life lessons you imparted to me during our time together. I rarely get in that trap, and now never feel guilty when out of my mouth comes, “No, I am not able to do that.” PERIOD. No explanation or apology. I am still amazed when the response is usually, “Oh, okay.”
It really struck me as okay when long after that really big thing I had to say no to and walk away from (wondering if I burned bridges), they asked me back as an advisor! Obviously, no hard feelings. That I could say yes to.
Sue, that is music to my ears! I love how it has changed things for you – it frees up so much emotional space. Yay!
Myself being of good nature want to help people in anyway. When confronted I try to assist to give something that can be utilized to correct the issue. Even times when we see something irregular we try to intervene to remedy the situation. In todays world some will accept while other will make their own determination on the circumstances no matter what influence comes about. It is in our hearts to try and create a forum to guide others into happiness by showing them the right way. By saying yes we start the process forward whether we want to or not. It is hard to say no unless the question is off base or unfounded. Being human brings value to our character to find ways of showing our good will to others. You smile to give off some light to others around you to highlight the gift of life.
One of the career streams I am following is to become a Licensed Local Pastor. As part of this process, I had to take a psychological assessment. In the process, one of the findings was that I have to learn to set boundaries and not try to do “everything”. In discussing this with my mentor I was told that “Sometimes you have to say no to the good so that you can say yes to the best.” I love your suggestion of thinking things through quickly before agreeing to do everything that is of interest to you. The problem is discerning the difference – what is done out of guilt and what is done out of wanting to – you have helped to add a filter.
You are spot on. That filter of wanting to vs have to or should is one that will serve you well when you are able to recognize the difference. It’s a process, sometimes my filter works and other times I go full-tilt into saying “yes” and then recognizing when I’m in it that I really meant to say “no.” When I recognize it in the moment I do my best to shift my perspective so I can enjoy what it is I’m doing – it usually involves a whole lot of self-talk.
My husband once told me that others have the right to ask (and the boldness at times), therefore, I have the right to say no! It has saved me many times. There is a teaching of Jesus that says …”let your yes be yes and your no be no…” my paraphrase. It eliminates the need to explain why. Thanks for reinforcing wise counsel.
Isn’t it interesting that the very simple, “let your yes be yes and your no be no” becomes so complicated when we let our “shoulds” or wanting to be nice or to fit in or to (fill in the blank) gets in the way? Thanks for sharing your comment.