Where do you fall on the holiday spectrum with joy on one end and stress on the other? Let’s see if we can help tip it more to the joy end and less to the stress end. It can change moment to moment. There are two big reasons why we slide to the stress end. The first is our desire to have things be perfect. The second is our desire and expectation that this year everyone will “behave.”
We often get caught up in trying to have things perfect. My examples will be about Christmas because that is my holiday background. No matter what your religion or holiday celebration I suspect much of what I’ll be saying applies because it’s about people.
We have traditions – those things we do every year that bring us joy. For me, I love putting up and decorating a big, fresh tree. In reality, I don’t do the decorating. I unwrap the ornaments, cheer on my family as they put the ornaments on the tree, and make the eggnog! And, every year I pull out the plaster cast handprints from when my sons were little. I have them measure their current hand size to those little ones. There is much laughter and eye-rolling because I do it every year.
Those are the fun traditions and I love them. Where I have gotten stressed is when I start putting decorations around the house. After 40 years of marriage we have lots of boxes of Christmas stuff. A few years ago I began getting really present as I opened those boxes and asked myself some questions. “Do I really have to put this out just because I always have?” “Do I still like this and want this?” I have been gradually letting go of some decorations that I loved in the past that no longer have meaning for me. I have donated them because they might bring joy to someone else.
So, the point is, that when you recognize your level of stress or agitation increasing, notice what you are doing. Step back, remember to breathe, and ask yourself if this is something that you want to keep/do or does it feel like a “should.” If it falls into the category of “should” then you can stop and make a choice. Decide what fits for you now, in this moment. It can be very liberating to see what you really want, now.
On to the second area of stress and probably the biggest one – how everyone else behaves. I think that sometimes we have holiday amnesia. We forget from one year to the next how certain family members or friends push our buttons. The problem with that is we get caught off guard and are surprised when it happens, yet again. Then we feel upset and judge them or ourselves. Or we remember all too well about the past and start defending ourselves before hand.
I am not suggesting that you go into a holiday event ready to do battle with that person. Instead, I would like you to try something. I have done this for years in many areas of my life and it works. Full disclosure – I am not perfect (shocking, I know) and there are times that I get caught up by those recurring interactions. However, it happens much less frequently and my holidays are really fun.
So, here’s the big idea! When you notice someone saying or doing something that usually gets you riled up, especially if that is their pattern – stop and say to yourself, “Oh look, there he is being exactly who he is.” You think it from the space of “hmmm, isn’t that interesting” as opposed to “there he goes again, doing what he does, and I’m going to show him what I think of that.”
When you get to the space of the observer, the one who is noticing, it releases you from judging the other person and feeling the need to show him the error of his ways. It simply releases you from having to try and fix it. You get to be fully who you are, as do they.
This works particularly well when you have had the same type of interaction with this person year after year. You’re pretty sure it’s going to come up and you can set your intention to remain neutral. How they behave has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to take it personally. You don’t have to fix it. You simply notice and continue on. The big key is to notice without an emotional charge to it. Your internal mantra can be, “Oh look, there she is being who she is.”
The interesting thing that often occurs is that when you adopt that space, they stop doing those things that annoy you. I have seen that happen repeatedly.
Holiday events can stir up so many emotions. We want to connect with family and friends. We want everything to go well and look great. How can you slide more to the joy end of the spectrum? What are the traditions that you love? What are the things that bring you joy? What would you do if you let yourself celebrate in exactly the way you wanted? What are the things that trip you up? Enjoy what you love and let go of the other. Happy Holidays!
Great blog, Cindy!! really helpful!